my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize