the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just puked most of my soul out..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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