i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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