Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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