remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize