Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
