Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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