We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
