Swine flu. Run for my life!
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
