I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
