Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
