I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
