I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
