my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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