he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
