I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
