she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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