I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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