all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
