There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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