Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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