I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
