Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
