while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
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