we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize