dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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