giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
