thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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