The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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