the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Drunk is a universal language darling
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
