I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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