i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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