you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
