birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
