my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize