plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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