i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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