HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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