Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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