Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
