I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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