I got chris browned last night
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
