I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
