now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
