best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
