I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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