Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Actions speak louder than pants.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
