I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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