we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
