Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
