Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
