i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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