Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
