FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
