I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
