I wish I could teleport
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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