rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
