I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize