No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
