Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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