I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
