A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
