I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
